Hindsight into the Future

Hindsight into the Future

Anders Henriksson

The millennium has spawned many reappraisals of human history but none quite like the narrative that Professor Anders Henriksson has assembled from choice insights found in student papers over the years. In the hands of these young scholars, the past truly does become a foreign country.

Read Time:
12m 30sec

From the secondary sources we are given hindsight into the future. Hindsight, after all, is caused by a lack of foresight.

Civilization woozed out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago. The Nile was a river that had some water in it. Every year it would flood and irritate the land. There was Upper Egypt and Lower Egypt. Lower Egypt was actually farther up than Upper Egypt, which was, of course, lower down than the upper part. This is why we learn geography as a factor in history. Rulers were entitled Faroes. A famed one was King Toot. It was a special custom among them not to marry their wives.

Mesapatamia was squigged in a valley near the Eucaliptus river. Flooding was erotic. Babylon was similar to Egypt because of the differences they had apart from each other. Egypt, for example, had only Egyptians, but Babylon had Summarians, Acadians and Canadians, to name just a few.

The history of the Jewish people begins with Abraham, Issac, and their twelve children. Judyism was the first monolithic religion. Old Testament profits include Moses, Amy, and Confucius, who believed in Fidel Piety. Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the Sahaira Desert. The Book of Exodus describes this trip and the amazing things that happened on it, including the Ten Commandments, various special effects, and the building of the Suez Canal. David was a fictional character in the Bible who faught with Gilgamesh while wearing a sling. He pleased the people with his many erections and saved them from attacks by the Philipines.

Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships with her face. The Trojan War raged between the Greeks and the Tories. We know about this thanks to Homer's story about Ulysees Grant and Iliad, the painful wife he left behind. Sparta demanded loyalty, military service, and obscurity from its citizens. King Xerox of Persia invaded Greace, but fell off short at the battle of Thermosalami. Alexander the Great conquered Persia, Egypt, and Japan. Sadly, he died with no hairs. Religion was polyphonic. Featured were gods such as Herod, Mars, and Juice.

The Greeks were important at culture and science. Plato invented reality. The Sophists justified themselves by changing relatives whenever this needed to be done. Lust was a must for the Epicureans.

U. Clid proved that there is more than one side to every plain. Pythagasaurus fathered the triangle. Archimedes made the first steamboat and power drill.

Rome was founded sometime by Uncle Remus and Wolf. Roman upperclassmen demanded to be known as Patricia. Senators wore purple tubas as a sign of respect. Slaves led existances of long and ornery work. Spartacus led a slave revolt and later was in a movie about this. The Roman republic was bothered by intestinal wars. Cesar inspired his men by stating, "I came, I saw, I went." He was assinated on the Yikes of March, when he is reported to have said, "Me too, Brutus!"

The Romans had smaller, more practical brains than the Greeks. Stoicism is the belief that you should get through life by baring your troubles. The warmth and friendship of the mystery cults attracted many, who came to feel better through dancing and mutilation. Certain cultists follwed Diane Isis, the godess of whine. Christianity was just another mystery cult until Jesus was born. Eventually Christian started the new religion with sayings like, "The mice shall inherit the earth." Later Christians fortunately abandoned this idea. Romans persacuted Christians by lionizing them in public stadiums.

A tidul wave of Goths, Huns, Zulus, and others impacted Rome. Athena the Hun rampaged the Balkans as far as France. Society was crumpity. Neo-Platonists celebrated the joys of self-abuse. When they finally got to Italy, the Australian Goths were tired of plungering and needed to rest. A German soldier put Rome in a sack. During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark.

Medeval monarchy was futile. Charlemagne used the "missi dominici" (Latin for "missiles of the king") to inflict government on his people. England's Henry II acquired new parts by marrying Ellenor of Equine. Society was arranged like a tree, with your nobles in the upper twigs and your pesants grubbing around the roots. This was known as the manurial system, where land was passed through fathers to sons by primogenuflecture. Power belonged to a patriarchy empowering all genders except the female. Nuns, for example, were generally women. In the early part of the Middle Ages female nuns were free to commit random acts of contrition and redemption. Later they were forcibly enclustered in harems. Margo Polo visited Kukla Kahn, who rained in China at the time. Russia was run over by Batu Cohen and crushed under the Mongol yolk. Certain tribes of India practiced voodoo inuendo. The Crusades, meanwhile, enlarged opportunities for travel.

Kings resented Popal authority. This caused the so-called Divestiture Controversy and led to the Bolivian Captivity of the Church. The Council of Constance failed to solve this even though Constance herself tried very hard. John Huss refused to decant his ideas about the church and was therefore burned as a steak.

Historians today feel that the renaissance was the result of medevil people being fertalized by events. Italy was pregnent with huge ideas and great men. Machiavelli, who was often unemployed, wrote The Prince to get a job with Richard Nixon. Ivan the Terrible started life as a child, a fact that troubled his later personality. This was a time when Europeans felt the need to reach out and smack someone. Ferdinand and Isabella conquered Granola, a part of Spain now known as Mexico and the Gulf States. Columbus came to America in order to install rule by dead white males over the native peoples.

The Catholic church sold indulgences as a form of remission control. Lutherans began to meet in little churches with large morals painted on their walls. Martin Luther King stood for the priesthood of all relievers. John Calvin Klein translated the Bible into American so the people of Geneva could read it. Most Prodestants objected to holy communication. Henry VIII survived an assault from the Papal bull. Philip II tried to force religious monotony on his empire. Henry Bourbon married Edict of Nantes and became King of France with the promise to reconstipate the country to Catholicism. The highlite of the Catholic Reform was the Council of Trend, which decreed that if man did not believe in the birth of the earth he would go to Hell.

There was an increase in climate during the 18th century. Agriculture fed more people as crop yields became lower. These were factors in the better times to come. The Scientific Revolution developed a suppository of knowledge which greatly helped later generations. Copernicus showed that the solar system rotates around the earth. Sir Issac Newton invented the newton. Locke taught that life was a fabula rasa.

The American colonists lived on a continent and England was an island. Thus the Americans wanted independence. Benjamin Franklin, already famous as inventor of the light bulb, persuaded French King George III to help the USA.

The French Revolution was like a tractor. It gave people the understanding that you need change in order to make tracks in the world. The Third Estate was locked out of its motel and had to do its business on a tennis court. Another problem was that France was full of French people. Revolters demanded liberty, equality, and fraternities. Fraternity breeded pride in the nation and therefore thicker political boundaries. In 1799, Napoleon performed a coo. Napoleon fertilized all his life.

The Industrial Revolution was slow at first due to the lack of factories. Great progress was made through the introduction of self-acting mules. Telephopes were not available—communication went by mouth to mouth or telegram. The airplane was invented and first flown by the Marx brothers. Europe was disrupted by the fast paste of change. The social structure was Upper Class, Middle Class, Working Class, and Lowest Poor Scum. Nobles claimed to be descended from better jeans. British paternalists were motivated by "noblesse oblique." Certain members of the lower middle class exhibited boudoir pretentions. The slums became brooding grounds for lower class unrest.

In Russia, the Decembrists attempted a coup du jour. Mazzini was a conservative liberal socialist who founded a revolutionary group known as "Little Italy." Pope Leo XIII is known as the author of Rectum Novarum, a book of conservative ideas. Another man to influence the state and others was Kark Marx, who advanced diabolical materialism. His ideas about revolution, condos, and supermen intrigued many.

Nineteenth-century women wore frilly hats day in and day out unless they had a special activity to engage in. In 1887 and surrounding years, it was unheard of to openly express yourself in private. Sex in this period was a very quiet ordeal. Prostitution, considered to be the world's oldest profession, got its beginnings in the 19th century. Feminists argued that sex outside the family would make you go blind or lose your memory. Leaders of the women's movement included Florence Nightengail, Susan B. Anthony, and Crystal Pancake.

Burt Einstein developed the theory of relativism. Marie Curie won the Noel prize for inventing the radiator. Writers expressed themselves with cymbals. Cubism, splatterism, etc. became the rage. There was a change in social morays.

European countries were growing dramatically and instead of spilling onto each other they had to go elsewhere. Another reason that the governments of European nations tried to take over other lands was so that they could gain so-called "cleavage." Most English believed in the missionary position. Admiral Dewey sank the Spanish Armada in Vanilla Bay. The Russo-Japanese War exploded between Japan and Italy. Infestations of gold in South Africa led to the Boar War between England and Denmark.

Germany's William II had a chimp on his shoulder and therefore had to ride his horse with only one hand. The Austro-Hungarian Compromise was the result of a defeated Austria combing with Hungary. The German takeover of All-Sauce Lorrain enraged the French, who clamored for vendetta. The Triple Alliance faced NATO. Europe grew fevered with heated tensions thrusting toward an outlet. In 1914, the assignation of Archduke Ferdman gave sweet relief to the mounting tensions.

The deception of countries to have war and those who didn't want one led the countries of Europe and the world to an unthinkable war which became thinkable. The Germans used the "Schleppen Plan" to surprise France by attacking through Bulgaria, which is not far from Paris. Austria fought the Snerbs. Unressurrected submarine warfare led the Germans to sink the Titanic and thus bring the USA into the war. Florence of Arabia fought over the dessert. Military technology progressed with ideas such as guns which would shoot generally straight. New war techniques caused massive deaths, and today in the 20th century we are used to this war-fair.

After the war the great powers tried to cut military spending by building enormous navies. The Wiener Republic was nobody's ticket to democracy. Economic problems were caused mostly by falling prices, a problem we now recognize as inflation. J. M. Keynes tells us there is no existence between big government and business. When the Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929 many people were left to political incineration. Some, like John Paul Sart, retreated into extra-terrestrialism. The Spartacist revolt was led by a man and woman named Rosa Luxemburg. Hitler believed in a Panned Germany and therefore insisted that Czechoslavia release the Sedated Germans into his care. England's rulers vanely hoped for "peas in our time," but were completely foddled by Hitler. Lennon ruled in Russia. When he died, the USSR was run by a five man triumpherate—Stalin, Lenin, Trotsky, Menshevik, and Buchanan. Stalin expanded capitalism by building machine tractor stations. When things didn't go as planned, he used the peasants as escape goats.

Few were surprised when the National League failed to prevent another world war. The perverbial chickens laid by the poor peace treaties after World War I all came home to roast. The Germans took the by-pass around France's Marginal Line. This was known as the "Blintz Krieg." Japan boomed Pearl Harbor, the main US base in southern California. The Russians defended Stalingrad feercely, as the city was named after Lenin. The Allies landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg, where they hoped to find Musalini. Stalin, Rosevelt, Churchill, and Truman were known as "The Big Three." Hitler, who had become depressed for some reason, crawled under Berlin. Here he had his wife Evita put to sleep, and then shot himself in the bonker.

World War II became the Cold War, because Benjamin Franklin Roosevelt did not trust Lenin and Stalin. An ironed curtin fell across the haunches of Europe. Berlin was airlifted westward and divided into pieces. Israel was founded despite the protests of local Arabs known as Zionists. The Marsha Plan put Europe back together with help from Konrad Adenauer, a French leader whose efforts led to the creation of the Communist Market. Many countries signed the GNAT Agreement. The roll of women has greatly expanded also. Famous women since the Second World War are Queen Victoria and India Gandy.

The British Empire has entered a state of recline. Its colonies have slowly dribbled away leaving only the odd speck on the map. Mohammed Gandi, for example, was the last British ruler of India. In 1921, he cast off his western clothes and dawned a loin cloth. This was a good way to get through to people. The French Empire, on the other hand, fell into total term-oil as they clutched painfully at remaining colonies in Argentina and the Far East. South Africa followed "Apart Hide," a policy that separated people by skin colour. Actually, the fall of empires has been a good thing, because it gives more people a chance to exploit their own people without outside interference.

The USSR and USA became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent. Wars fought in the 1950s and after include the Crimean War, Vietnam, and the Six-Minute War. President John F. Kennedy worked closely with the Russians to solve the Canadian Missile Crisis. Yugoslavia's Toto became a non-eventualist communist. Hochise Min mounted the power curve in Viet Nam. Castro led a coupe in Cuba and shocked many by wiggling his feelers every time there was trouble in Latin America. This required the United States to middle in selected bandana republics during the 1960s. Mentally speaking, Russia had to reinvent itself. Gorbachev became top Russian after the death of Leoned Bolshevik.

The historicle period ended shortly after World War II–III. We, in all humidity, are the people of currant times. This concept grinds our critical, seething minds to a halt.


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